poles apart

i was never a fan of drama nor i have been emotional in any of my entries here but this time, i've reached the brink...

tonight was supposed to be memorable, i really wanted you to be a part of what i was doing with my family. i thought everything was ok but in the end, it all just came tumbling in front of me. it was quite stupid of me to think that you'd be mingling with my family and all will just be fine as it should be or it will turn out as what's normal for a boyfriend or a girlfriend kinda thing. I guess I was wrong. well, for readers here, don't get the impression that my family's psycho infested or that everybody has gotten out of rehab. it's nothing like that. my family's the typical, all-Filipino brood who loves to eat, hang around with each other and has a past time of joking and laughing. maybe, that's the problem...if you look at them, they're too simple, they're quite fine with how life is for them. maybe that's the clincher, they don't meet up to some people's standards, maybe they don't meet up to YOUR standards.

Tonight's confrontation has left me tight lipped and really lost for words. it also made me realize that there is such a thing as the clock striking "midnight" and that all fairy tales don't necessarily go as planned. maybe you're a prince but i'm no princess. i'm cool with how my life has been for the past 25 yrs of my existence. i never asked for anything more, i never craved for lavishness or what not. my family's been there for the longest time and hasn't it crossed your mind that i would never be this way if it wasn't for them. i was molded by the affection that they have showered and they have supported me with all my decisions eversince. this is why it pains me that you get "annoyed" (as how you put it) because you can not sink it in how we're so different from each other.

maybe you're right, we are. it never bothered me. i never got worried about that fact until right now. i tried blocking it out of my system, tried thinking that it didn't really matter because no matter what, you'd still love me for me. but slowly, i'm beginning to have doubts whether you can take me in wholly. whether you're into this relationship because you do love me because it's what your heart beats or if you're just fascinated by the thought that i'm different from the rest. a simple fascination that would eventually fade out.

no, i'm not mad. i don't even have the strength to feel anger at all. i feel like my strength leaving me and it's not because i'm sick...it's like things fading into the background and nothing more.

i wish we could have talked before you left but you we're in a hurry. i just tried to understand you. i always do, even if sometimes, i'm not even sure if it's still right. i wanted to say thank you for "bearing" with my family but a lot of things were running through my head already. how can someone act cool, casual and all smiley with people that he doesn't even like?how can you act so normal when it wasn't. you should have just told me outright and then, i could have just saved you from the pains of being with my family. i guess they're a handful...that's just how they are.

none the less, i would still like to take this opportunity to say thank you for joining our family dinner. i know that it was such a hassle on your part and it has taken you so much effort in being there. next time, i would probably just leave you out of it. maybe that's the best thing to do...