say it isn't so

there comes a point in your life that you have to make decisions and whatever twists or turn you do, you still can't figure out what the right thing to say is.

maybe this type of situation is happening to me now and yet i refuse to acknowledge that small tiny voice in my head that says that there is indeed a problem

though how many times i tried to ignore it and keep my eyes shut. there is still that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomache which shoots up into my gut when the notion of "breaking up" rises at the surface

call me a coward and i'll prolly admit it without batting an eyelash. if by "coward" you mean like someone trying to hold on to their love one because of too much feeling coiled up inside to the point of selfishness...yup, i guess that's me right at this very minute

i had another argument with my boyfriend and maybe earlier was a tad too much for me to handle. in most relationships, there are moments when bf-gfs do fight about certain issues. whether it be BIG, small, non-existent or even petty. there really is that certain day where you have to bicker at each other just to get a sense of fulfillment that you've actually made that special someone gasp in exasperation

today was no exception. it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life because i got my car from the seller already but of course, that was in the afternoon. the night turned out to be far worse

as usual, it slipped his mouth that he had this discussion with his mom again and of course, i was the center of the topic. not directly but rather somewhat connected to me...or so it seems...

how would you feel if your bf's mom pops out a sarcasm which says "hoy _____, ayus-ayusin mo nga yang buhay mo!" which doesnt refer to anything else in his personal life but only just silently wants to rub on the topic of his gf who happens to be Filipina and a nobody...

sad right?

i'm not here to point fingers nor to look for people who would sympathize. i'm simply here to share because as much as i want to talk to my very bestfriend and spill all the hurt, anger, frustration and confusion that's eating me up inside while i'm typing this blog entry...I CAN'T....

coz he's the very same person who shut the door earlier and who wanted to break up with me...

ironic isn't it?

sometimes i feel like...

well, the weekend has passed and it seems like it's the same old story for me...friday came, saturday passed by and sunday was typical...yada,yada, yada...

nothing new huh?

ok, ok, maybe some might say i'm overreacting. afterall, who wouldn't want my life right now? everything's just flowing smoothly. i've got a nice job with good fringes, my family's doing quite well, i'm getting a new ride soon and i have a very lovable boyfriend. who wouldn't want that for a birthday present?i bet some consider me lucky just as i am

hmm, not really...

it dawned on me that somehow, something's missing. you know that point in your life where you feel like there's part of you that you'd like to find out? well, i think i'm in that stage right now. i dunnoh how to call this, it might be what they call the "mid-life" crisis but then...is this happening to me? considering i'm not even in my midlife yet.hahahaha

this is quite funny. i'm talking nonsense in my very own blog.i'm a tad confused you know. i feel like i shouldn't be complaining about anything at all because what i'm thinking of is not even close to the problems of the rest of the world. i mean, here i go ranting about how my life is this and this, blah, blah blah while other people are looking for some means to survive or at least eat once in a day...

shoot, i really am talking jibberish...maybe, i should just head to bed and forget this ever happened and continue with my everyday existence..yeah, maybe that's it

*off i go to la la land...*

candies on a raindy day does the trick

well, i didn't have much time to log unto my blog acount yesterday that's why i'll be sharing what happened yesterday today instead...

of course, most of us know that yesterday was the funeral of our late president, tita cory and yup, as expected tons of people participated and shared their sincerest sympathy for her family... well, it was a very emotional day for most of us Filipinos. I mean, really, i wasn't a part of the EDSA uno and yet, i felt so sad seeing her go. too bad, we lost yet again, another great person...first it was the icon of pop and now the icon of democracy. tsk, what's next? hopefully it's more good news

speaking of which, i went out with my bf yesterday. since we couldn't really go to P'que to join the crowd in bringing Tita Cory to her last goodbye, well, we opted to watch a movie instead. We decided to hang at our fave place, as usual, Eastwood and we had lunch there and watched "the proposal"

the movie was a feel good one. afterall, who would argue. i was dead full when we were watching...i couldn't really focus. i wanted to sleep. nothing to cap off a full meal with a pillow and a blankee

had alot to eat at teriyaki boy. i took oyako don, kani salad and this philly kinda roll and avocado shake. man, was i sooooo busog. i almost puked. hahaha

but of course, that didn't stop me and my bf from buying candies from this "nuts about candies" place in the mall. we had like two bags of candies. 1 bag filled with gummy bears, worms, jelly-like candies in different shapes and sizes and the other bag was filled with chocolate coated candies, maltees. we were like kids on their first field trip to the candyshop.

it was fun, picking out which type to place in the bag but when we came across this 1 particular type of candy, it was really hilarious. hahaha...well, i couldn't really share it here coz some might find it weird and i don't want to be flagged coz of what i'm writing. in any case, the point of me sharing it is to say that i had a great time yesterday...thanks sweetness

it's a rainy day again

well, it's raining again...it has been this way these past few days and the weird part of it all is that it usually starts drizzling at night and them it moves into a heavy downpour

hmm, it looks like a good night to sleep early.hehehe

life is too short

being just born in 1983 and the youngest among my family, of course, all i can do is hear stories on "EDSA REVOLUTION" and how it all happened. too bad i wasn't there to witness everything but it left a historical mark on me

earlier, me and my officemates were staring down the window of our building, waiting for the procession for Cory's funeral entourage pass by. i can see the group of people who were waiting along the side of Ortigas, waiting for them as well. you can see the intensity of the whole situation and with the looks of it, alot would be joining in her burial rites on wednesday. it's good that the government decided t declare it as a National holiday. i'm sure most of the filipinos would be trying to join the aquino family in this last time for mourning.

well, i would like to extend my sympathy to them. it must be hard during this time...but i'm sure after a while things would be better and it would be back to normal.

for now, i would like to say thank you Mrs. Aquino for being the icon for democracy...you've been a very big help to the filipino nation in achieving freedom from the regime of the oppresive admnistration. i hope that whatever my fellowmen are doing right now is enough to give back and honor what you've done...

devoid of emotion...

i just got off from another conversation with you, as usual , it ended really "swell". I can't seem to understand why things have been going on like this for the past week and i can't understand what's going on lately...

i feel like everything that we've had is one big joke. parang naglolokohan lang tayo. it all stemmed from the fact that you bluntly said that there might be no future for us and i should think twice on wanting to continue this relationship or be friends na lang.

see, that's the problem. it's like life played a joke on me. i waited and waited for "that" special someone whom i'd love til forever and who'd do the same to me and yet here I am in this messed up situation as it is. i've been sheltering myself from getting hurt by not taking risks and yet when i decided to "dive in", i got into a sandpit... where i can't hold unto anything anymore.

i blame myself for being so stupid and not seeing all the signals right in front of my face when i met you. all the wrong ingredients were there... you had an ex whom apparently is still not an ex, a psycho stalker and a bunch of other issues hanging above your head. all i needed to do was to turn away and never look back but i didn't heed myself, i went straight into sudden uncertainty.

now, i'm confused. it seems like everyday and every fight that we have diminishes me and pushes me over the brink. minsan, napapagod na ako. napapagod na akong mahalin ka with all your issues and restrictions. minsan, i feel like hindi ako sapat

akala ko, love is understanding...pero hanggang saan ko dapat intindihin lahat ng mga nangyayari?

maybe, your parents are right. hindi tayo bagay,maybe what you need is the "perfect girl". that girl whom all the people around you can accept. but like what the saying said "nobody's really perfect" so, how can that turn out for you?

i'm a bit numb from feeling and i've done alot of crying already. maybe it's time for me to stop and think for awhile...yes, like what you said earlier, i should think about what i really want and then maybe, that's when it'll all be better...

*breathe*